27 April 2007

What Slade has learned from dress-shopping to date

1. There are more dress shops in Indiana than previously supposed, including two within walking distance of my house.

2. I have a size 14 ass matched with size 12 boobage, no matter what certain Hong Kong dressmakers have to say. However attractive that might be, it is definitely not convenient.

3. Really hot, classy, gorgeous dresses are almost universally out of my price range.

4. Case in point: The dress that has been hanging in the window of Michael B's for months, which I walk past every day, by some miracle does fit me. There was a chorus of angels till I checked the $500 price tag. (Note: That was a $200 dress, tops. $500 is outrageous.)

5. I seem to have a very different idea of what dresses are worth than the people who set their prices. This ought to be rectified.

6. Things on sale racks are usually there for a reason. (Exception: Snug, adorable, red-and-white strapless at the bridal store. But maybe there just aren't many size 6's around Indiana looking for hot dresses.)

7. Trying on dresses is fun.

8. Trying on dress after dress that almost-but-not-quite fits or requires alterations I don't have time for or turns out to be uglier than presupposed or for whatever reason is Entirely the Wrong Dress, is depressing.

9. My theory of differentiated passing of time between the inside of a changing room and the rest of the world has been upheld.

10. This shopping trip was brought to you by Slade actually taking her measurements and discovering that Dress No. 5, which I had decided to buy as a backup because Good Orient has a fantastic return policy, will in no way fit. The waist is two inches too small, which is enough for me not to be able to breathe right. They do have tailored dresses, but those are twice as expensive and probably won't get here in time.

In conclusion, I'll be going to the Nebulas ceremony naked.

25 April 2007

Dress Me Up Pretty

Okay, guys, we -- well, I -- have a situation. It has just been brought to my attention that I need to have an evening gown and associated ensemble in hand and ready to wear by the 10th of May. That is 15 actual days, or 11 business days, from now. I have since been madly searching the Interweb for dresses that are:

1) actually evening gowns and not mislabelled as such
2) pretty (read: gorgeous yet NOT SLUTTY)
3) pretty on me
4) affordable in any universe not encompassed by Paris Hilton's closets

This search has been difficult, but I have in fact turned up a few choice picks. And this is where you come in and why I'm bothering you with this trite matter of not looking like a slob or a slut in front of important, fancy, famous people: the list of dresses (and accessories) is here. Please please please go look at them and tell me what you think. I'm going for elegant, stylish, comfortable, and if possible, hot.

If the link doesn't work for you, then go to my regular The Things I Want page and click on the "Nebulas 07" tag. (For future reference, this is my end-all-be-all stuff-I-want list, if you're ever in the mood and/or holiday season to get me some kind of gift. Not pushing, just saying it's there.)

Seriously, I'm overworked and underslept as it is without fashion butting into my life. There are seven dresses there; please comment here with, at the very least, a number. If that doesn't work for you, then email me: damnowls @ gmail.com. Thank you all; you're wonderful people.

23 April 2007

International Pixel-Stained Technopeasant Wretch Day

In honor of International Pixel-Stained Technopeasant Wretch Day, here is a short, flashy story about eating babies. (No, I'm not kidding. This is your warning; if A Modest Proposal grossed you out, this is not for you. In fact, if you dislike gore or the implication of gore, this really isn't for you either. Sorry. I'll try for something with happy unicorns and puppies next time.)


Dragonnade



The sight of them made me want to vomit. In our hiding-place at the top of the stairs, I covered little Marie's eyes. They came in like locusts, waving their parchment so heavy with official seals it wouldn't roll up right. They demanded our wine, our bread, our meat -- Mother tried to explain that we had no meat, but her words fell upon callous ears.

"Bring us your food, woman," they growled, bayonets glinting in the sun through the window. "All of it."

Mother did as they said, carrying plates and platters and boards full of onions, stale bread, cabbage, turnips--even the tomato she was saving for Sunday.

"More," the soldiers shouted, crumbs covering their uniforms.

She did as they said, ferrying flagons of wine until the cellar was empty.

"More," they screamed. "Where is the meat?"

"We have none," Mother whispered.

One of the soldiers spoke up, his hungry eyes on Marie's terrified little face. "Oh, yes, you have."

Mother's eyes followed the soldier's. Her mouth opened, formed the word "no," once, twice, then other words that made no sound. When he climbed the stairs after Marie, I tried to hide her behind me, to drag her up higher away from him, but like a Musketeer's rapier his hand shot out and snatched her away from me, dragged her downstairs by the ankle.

They boiled my baby sister alive. Mother tried to pull her out bare-handed, but they wrenched her arms behind her and tied her to a chair. One of them held me by the arm, hard like steel, but that didn't stop me screaming like Marie was screaming. I cried and cajoled and begged them to stop, to look somewhere else.

"There's a butcher's shop around the corner," I pleaded. "You can smell it from here on hot days." That was a lie, but they were boiling Marie, and I didn't think God could mind one little fib to save her life.

He did.

They carved her up on the solid kitchen table, each one awarded his fair share of my baby sister's flesh. They ate badly, no manners, ripping the meat from her little bones. One collected his in a teetering pile, crunched them in half with his teeth, and sucked the marrow out.

When there was no more flesh for them, the one holding my arm asked, "What do we do with the skull?"

The one that had hungrily watched my baby sister grinned. "Is there any brain in it?"

There was. They fried it.

Finally full, the one holding my arm found some old rags and bound my wrists in front of me to the oven door, and then the lot of them trooped cheerfully upstairs.

It took me half an hour to untie the rags with my teeth, carefully lift the carving knife from what had once been Marie's body, and cut the throat of every man in the house.

Mother and I ate very well for the next few weeks.

20 April 2007

Question: "Where is Slade right now?" (May 07 - May 08)

Answer:

Present - 7 May: in Indiana, PA, doing college. (Note: 3-7 May is Finals Week.)

7-10 May: in Pittsburgh, at my parents' house. THIS MEANS WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING BEFORE I LEAVE THE COUNTRY.

11-13 May: in NYC, at the Nebula Awards.

13-16 May: in NYC, hanging out with Anna.

16 May - 6 June: in Larnaca, Cyprus, doing archaelogy and sight-seeing.

7 June - 18 July: in Pittsburgh. AGAIN, WE SHOULD TOTALLY DO SOMETHING. I LOVE YOU, I NEED YOU, LET'S GO FOR TAIWANESE.

19 July - 6 August: in Lewes, DE, learning to sail the 18th-century tall ship Kalmar Nyckel.

7 August - sometime between 3 and 10 September: in Pittsburgh. HAVE I DECLARED MY INTENTIONS FULLY ENOUGH ALREADY? YES, I DO MEAN YOU. I AM ABROAD FIVE OUT OF THE NEXT SEVEN MONTHS; LET'S SPEND THE REMAINING TWO NOT CRYING AT NIGHT BECAUSE WE'RE ALL ALONE IN THE WORLD. INSTEAD, LET'S GO MINI-GOLFING. AND YES, I WILL BE HAVING MY BIRTHDAY STATESIDE. PLAN FOR FESTIVITIES.

Sometime between 3 and 10 September - sometime in December (or January): in Jordan, learning Arabic. Please note that there is a possibility that I will not be in the States for Christmas break, but that such a development cannot stop me sending you presents at the very least. More information when I have it.

14 January - sometime in May: probably in Indiana, PA, doing the college again. And GRADUATING "JGHDFHDJFHDJFDJ!!!11!one!! (which means...)

Sometime in May: in Pittsburgh, moved out of my parents' house. Expect Massive Extravagent Gradumacation Par-tay! W00t! (in addition to/in combination with Ultra-Fabulous Housewarming Party. It's gonna be great, people.)

And that is the upcoming year, as it looks right now. And I am not even joking about the bits that say "let's do something." The world is young, I love you guys, Indiana is the devil, let's all go dancing.

06 April 2007

Dykey brain

You know, one of the weird things about being bi is that sometimes you get on a long stretch of being attracted mainly to one gender. (Which also tends to make it harder for some people to accept that you do, in fact, not prefer that gender exclusively.) And then sometimes your brain is just like, "Hey, you remember girls, right? Well, here's one for you now."

If you are interested in women, follow the link. Possibly the most beautiful woman I've ever seen; at the very least, in the top ten. Smokin'.

(ETA: Never mind. The image is on a rotating thingy. If you follow the link however, and you see a beautiful Hispanic girl looking straight at you with a half-smile and wearing a green bikini top, then that's her.)

03 April 2007

Collision of worlds

Weird shit: getting into a writing kick/zone/high/thing and using it to write a paper. There must be Cartographers for Social Equality around, because it's freaking me out.