What Slade has learned from dress-shopping to date

1. There are more dress shops in Indiana than previously supposed, including two within walking distance of my house.

2. I have a size 14 ass matched with size 12 boobage, no matter what certain Hong Kong dressmakers have to say. However attractive that might be, it is definitely not convenient.

3. Really hot, classy, gorgeous dresses are almost universally out of my price range.

4. Case in point: The dress that has been hanging in the window of Michael B's for months, which I walk past every day, by some miracle does fit me. There was a chorus of angels till I checked the $500 price tag. (Note: That was a $200 dress, tops. $500 is outrageous.)

5. I seem to have a very different idea of what dresses are worth than the people who set their prices. This ought to be rectified.

6. Things on sale racks are usually there for a reason. (Exception: Snug, adorable, red-and-white strapless at the bridal store. But maybe there just aren't many size 6's around Indiana looking for hot dresses.)

7. Trying on dresses is fun.

8. Trying on dress after dress that almost-but-not-quite fits or requires alterations I don't have time for or turns out to be uglier than presupposed or for whatever reason is Entirely the Wrong Dress, is depressing.

9. My theory of differentiated passing of time between the inside of a changing room and the rest of the world has been upheld.

10. This shopping trip was brought to you by Slade actually taking her measurements and discovering that Dress No. 5, which I had decided to buy as a backup because Good Orient has a fantastic return policy, will in no way fit. The waist is two inches too small, which is enough for me not to be able to breathe right. They do have tailored dresses, but those are twice as expensive and probably won't get here in time.

In conclusion, I'll be going to the Nebulas ceremony naked.